Taking the plunge

I jus want to record how i saw myself struggling to do something, all my cowardice or watever , my handicappedness, my body's refusal to follow my mind, and all that uncovered and laid bare...... ....

i saw myself spending minutes together trying to make up my mind to do it..... trying to tell myself that doing it would not hurt me,... that it wld be over in a few seconds,.. that so many other ppl do it with so much ease,... that not to think of it and jus do it ... i was trying to convince my brain, reasoning it out , but after all that, when i was all set with my brain and about to do it, i wld find i was in no better state than wen i started.Then, i wld start all over again trying to reason it out ,this time in a different manner, only to discoveragain that i was in no better position to do it again .After many such ordeals finally deciding i am not up to it and walking away,... I wen thru this ordeal for two days.

I managed not to think abt my failure and the fact that my incapacity was laid so very bare for everyone to see , i manged to not to let those thots come in to me. for, if i had let them rise they wld have eaten me up by making me feel very bad.

After 2 days of suppressing those thots i finally got a chance to kill those feelings, by winning. yes , i fought that incapacity and won it. s, i did it!

I always knew that the means to winning over 'it' was not in reasoning it out with my mind but in seeing someone do it and drawing inspiration frm it. So, i got a chance to see someone do it, then i decided. ok, now i am going to win it over. This time again, when i was abt to do it, i failed again.

Now, i did not want to waste time reasoning it out. I told myself i was only a few mins away from winning that inhibition over and doing it. i knew i jus did not want to brk the jinx in one step. i knew it was jus a matter of doing it in some gradually increasing levels of difficulty. so i jus lowered the level of difficulty to the lowest level and did it, s, did it. Then i promoted myself to the next level of difficulty, and did it again. Then, i walked bravely to the hst level of difficulty, this time knowing that i was not gonig to walk back, i was sure that i was going to do it this time , and i was showing my new found confidence off for everyone to see, tho no one actually was bothered. i was congratulating myself, already. i was exuding pride and celebrating already. And i did it!

i was very happpy at how i had discovered some weakling in me and fought with it, managed to find a solution and actually see myself grow stronger. It was a revelation to me. My exaltation knew no bounds.

Oh!, well, haven't i told u wat was that 'it',... well, 'it' was about diving into the swimming pool. Tho i had no problem jumping into the pool,.. i jus could not get myself to dive, my legs wld jus not move.....