I have this habit of sitting and thinking abt something that worries me. ( i find it similar to my brain washing exercise before i 'took the plunge' . refer my blog archive) I have been doing more of that in the recent past. I tend to mull over something until i understand it or see light thru it. In the past few days i have been mulling over wat mistake i am doing. I have the feeling that i m doing something wrong. Usually after a hiatus of such mulling over, i wld end up discovering some new truth abt myself and wld venture to start fresh on my journey equipped with this new found truth. In this entry i propose to share with u some such findings that occured to me recently.
I have found that i have always missed the big picture, while losing myself to smaller details. When i look back at my life, from the time i have been able to think i feel i find this pattern predominant. wen i look back , i only remember very small details like visiting some plc or meeting some person, the grls, reading something, seeing something, learning something new, ...etc.. It is like, wen i look back at the path i have travelled, i see only some trees and shrubs amidst an otherwise wiped out tract of forest. That probably is bcos i have lacked a contiguity of purpose or say a bigger goal for life. I have been more of living my life for the moment for some time now.
A second probable reason for this wiped out tract, i find out, is that i have always set my eyes on something other than wat i was actually into. For ex., wen i was in my hr sec, i had my eyes set on the entrance exams (AIIMS), rather than the curricula and ended up doing justice to neither. Wen i was in engg , i had my eyes set on cse, ending up with the same result. Wen i was preparing for cse, my eyes were set on 'reforming' myself into a 'complete person'. Wen i was working, i worked with the mindset that this was only a temporary phase and ended up again not doing full justice to my job and only degenerating myself.
Hope i make amends.
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