Today morning i woke up after a short sleep of 4 hrs after the n8 shift. Somehow i was in a a mood to muse a lot. Hence this entry.
Ever since i opend my eyes, and infact even earlier when i had actually lost sleep and was actually trying not to loose the continuity by tightly closing my eyes, Rajni's song "podhuvaga en manasu thangam" was playing in my ears, particularly the begining part "annanukku jey....". It was kind of giving me a lot of enthu. I was jus lying down and wondering about the kind of positive energy that can flow from a song. I wanted to make it my hello tune. I wondered y did i have "Iayyao..." frm paruthiveeran as my hello tune. It was ofcourse for the love in it.
Then i wondered y were i so much obsessed with love... Well , this takes me a lot backward....Having grown up mostly in hostels , r8 frm 1st std till 8 th,.... my father having to relocate frequently thot it wise to put me in hostel so that my edn would not break... so mostly my idea of a motherly affection came frm wat i saw in movies, mostly portrayed by manoramma- my idea was that of a infinitely loving, infinitely tender, most graceful, all knowing and beautiful in her own way person ...... dont blame me for such a naive mindset... that is wat i grew up to believe a mother wld be like ,thanx to the movies and my distance from and the resulting yearning for her .
It was somehow a big dissappointment for me to discover the limitations in my mother when i started to live frm home frm 8 th std.... not that she actually had any shortcoming, ..she was jus like anyother mother... but i had to be content with continuing to yearn for that picture of mother... i believe i still am. I believe it is the yearning for those qualities in a person that makes me attracted to the grls i have been since.
Roshni, Divya, Priya, Tharani, Suganya, Archana, Rekha, Faheema, Kirthika, and now Gayathri.... I have missed mentioning many , for they m8 have been too shortlived. It was always a case of yearning and deep pain with each of them.
It jus occured to me that i had to undergo all that pain bcos i was doing a mistake. okay that much for commonsense. But all this while i wld neither know wat mistake it was or y i was doing that mistake. Today it jus occured to me that the mistake was that i , in the fst place, had too very naive expectations out of my mother and since i missed it i was looking for it elsewhere... it was a mistake to miss something at one place and search for it in another, i wld finally end up having nothing.
I feel good that i have realised this. Its secondary if i make amends to my outlook. but having discovered the wound is quite relieving. By the way, Sivagami is my fst love and pain, my mother...... (in pic: Venus de Milo)